I surrender.




I let it all go. Worries, problems, insecurities, doubts, dependance, my safety net. This is going to be the most difficult thing i've ever done, but I truely believe i'm not weak. I don't know when I ever started believing I was, and acting like it. For once in my life, I actually feel brave. I know I can do this. It's time.


This past week, I've realized something. This is the prime difference between highschoolers and college kids. In highschool, you have reassurance. But as soon as you leave, you have to come to terms with the reality that there is nothing. There are no answers, no reasons, and no explanations. You'll find yourself saying, "for the first time ever, I just don't know. I just don't know." And you know what? You have to become okay with that. You can't change the world, you can only change yourself in hopes of betterment. And the most important realization: everything, the entire world, all has to do with perspective. It's all up to you, how you see things, how you handle things. It's all reaction. It truely is.

I've known ever since I was sixteen that happiness is a choice. And of course, like everything else, haha, I forget this all the time. These past two months have been so bad because I forgot to just simply be happy. To let everything go, surrender, and give in. That's what i'm going to do now. I hope this makes sense. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the day (:

Ashley: I think things are finally sorting themselves out

I got troubles, lord, but not today
Cause they're gonna wash away
This old river's gonna take them away.

No matter what, if you're honest, I believe, that's all that matters. You've given your best and you didn't hold back. Things, even though not imediately, will work themselves out, even though they might not go the way you wanted them too, and that's okay. :)

Every horrible, wierd, fucked up, and wonderful thing that's happened in these past five weeks, well, I'm getting over it! It's not about the details anymore, it's all about the melody. And hey, everything will be alright- it has to be, because i'm still alive!

Alexia: what?
huh?
what?
YEAH
bunny: OKAY
Alexia: WHAT?
sometimes, I feel lonely
bunny: really?
Alexia: WHAT?
bunny: WHAT?
Alexia: WHAT?
bunny: YEAH!
Alexia: OKAY!

There was a book very much glued to my desk, and I was unsure what to do about it.

*does the i'm-back-at-college-and-i'm-already-bored dance*

Hahahaha, I can't stop dancing this morning!



And I'm late for class!

I still don't quite get this college thing. I know I have to stop going home on the weekends, but it's wierd. If I stay in my room, I get really antsy and bored and feel like a waste of life and need to go out. But when I go out, I can only think of my bed back at my dorm or my family at home and I get really homesick. But then, if I go home, I miss college. How the hell am I supposed to find some sort of balance?

I'm just glad this week is over, it's been shitty and I've been in a mood to match it.

I slept almost all yesterday, woke up sometime around dinner, and then went back to bed at like 12:30ish, I think. What the hell is wrong with be.

And paperbinned, if your reading this, I'm really sorry about last night. I'm such a bitch, I know. I really would like to go with you and dammit, I'm really sorry.

arrrgh, good morning! *grumbles and stumbles into things*

taged by paperbinned, nnngh

1) Write down 7 things that piss you off, and 7 things that make you go mmmmmmm.
2) Tag 7 people.

7 things that piss me off
1. my procrastination
2. my inability to make any sort of decision
3. Bills taste in music :P
4. My mother and my brother
5. Homophobics
6. My extremely extremely short term memory and my forgetfulness
7. ...every class except English and Art History

7 things that make me go mmmmm
1. Pete and Carl sharing a mic
2. lazy summer songs
3. smilies with closed eyes
4. Draco Malfoy
5. my english teacher
6. pictures of people kissing
7. white dresses

1. booksofmagic
2. neon_blue
3. soupial
4. waltzofthemoon
5. villainny
6. huntress1013
7. sicaria0

crap, I completely forgot about the LJ Reboot, I'll make a layout sometime this week for it

(and sorry I haven't updated in forever, shittiest two weeks of my entire life)

OH MY GOD!!! INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Our dorm didn't have the internet this ENTIRE WEEKEND. Seriously, I felt like I was living in the wilderness.

And then finally, after calling and recalling Resnet and Help desk, someone FINALLY ANSWERED and it basically went like this:

"zomg, no internet for three days!"

"...For serious?"

"For serious."

".....we're sorry."

"THREE DAYS OF NO WARCRAFT ZOMGODZORS"

".........*hangs up*"




And then there was internet.

asdfghjkl, why is it that I am already stressed and this is only my second day back? I just know this semester I am going to be working my ass off, I can feel it disintegrating already.






*goes to cry to my dad perhaps later on tonight*

How could I have forgotten my favorite part of the day?

The morning... it's... been awhile.

It's lazy and full of smiles, hushed lighting, and cozy music. It's like looking at a picture of the beach and remembering what it was like when you werre there.

I didn't realize how much I missed my dorm until I had it back; I wouldn't sacrifice anything in the world for this. It's remembering that really, the only essential things in life are slippers that surround your feet in clouds, soft pajama pants that could keep an eskimo warm, and my favorite salty dog t-shirt. I can't stop smiling, no wonder I wasn't happy at home!

Although, I will admit, when I woke up I had that brief moment of "where am I??" I woke up and it felt kind of blank. We didn't sleep with the fan on, and so when I woke up, I thought I was in a hotel. Although, as my sandals squeak-squeaked though the hallway after a shower, I remembered what everything was like in college and did a retarded sort of skip down the hallway thereafter.





p.s.: It's going to rain today!

so here's a treat, this song is so relaxing! :)
Joe Purdy - I Love Rain the Most

This song is SO GOOD and SO MUCH FUN :D :D :D

Are you sure you want to live like common people,
you want to see whatever common people see,
you want to sleep with common people,
you want to sleep with common people,
like me?

William Shatner - Common People

Rent a flat above a shop,
cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
pretend you never went to school.


WOOOO HOOO

Today, I painted. Yesterday I got my hair cut, and it was incredible! My hair stylist and I talked about harry potter and lord of the rings. While we were waiting for the dye, we both sat next to eachother and read books, and I met someone who has a daughter in my dorm!

Today I watched Finding Neverland and Roman Holiday. IIIIIIIIIIIII miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssss Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitalllllyyyyyyyyyy

you'll never watch your life slide out of view,
and dance and drink and screw,
because there's nothing else to do. :D

New years || I have a feeling this is going to be a really wierd year

Dude, I graduated from HIGH SCHOOL and it's JUST NOW HITTING ME. Zomg, I'm in college, not even that, but i'm through with my FIRST SEMESTER of college. I'ts spring in the middle of winter, today is lovely, and I'm back pretending it's summer. I can't fit into my pants because of all this holiday food. It's going to be a bright and sunshiney day.

paperbinned, bleauregard, bambbles, remember this?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/vanilla_neko/34659.html#cutid1


I always forget how much I love reggae. Haha, it's like my roots, only not, because I'm white, but still.

When I have kids, all we are going to listen to is Reggae, the beatles, the libertines, and baby einstein music.

har har har

I don't pretend to know much about anything. Not videogames, photography, music, and certainly not life.

But I do know about myself. That's really all I have. I need to stop being so down and untie this giant knot.




( Random Photo Post. )

Life is so wierd.

Fighting for the forsaken, longing for oceans, being alone, traveling and driving and the rain is gone. Odd holiday filled with mubled laughter and days spent in tears. I visited my granpa for the last time, he's not meant to live much longer. I never wanted to stop driving. It felt like spring and I pretended I was flying to someplace warm. I smiled all yesterday and cried on the floor all today. I am and hate being a stereotypical girl. I've been fearing for my realationship but afraid to talk about it as well. I did so tonight, however. I'm gullible, I think. I miss my aunt terribly and am horrified I didn't spend more time with her.

Something is bothering me, deep down. Way deep down. I'm not sure what it is.

I have good days, and wonderful days, and beautiful days, and then all the sudden I'm falling and I'm down and I'm desperate.

I don't feel like playing World of Warcraft anymore; I've read fanfiction again. Nothing can hold my attention for long. I can only submerse myselfand hide in fantasy for short periods of time before real life grabs and pulls me away

I hate it the most when I'm alone and my mind wanders.

My own mind betrays me the most while I my sleep. I can't stop having nightmares.

My uncle makes fun of my photography and asks me why I even bother. He tells me I take 'wierd' pictures. Secretly, I make fun of his.




Tribute to my Grandfather.

"Wonderful, Wonderful"





( crooked smiles and weathered eyes )

Argh, I've eaten 4 full meals tonight. "GET IN MY BELLAH" and so it was done.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Visit Japan and England
2. Publish something
3. Learn another language fluently

THINGS I CANNOT DO
1. See the Beatles/Libertines live
2. Fly
3. Two words: Sex. Magic.

THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN
1. SUP INTERNETS
2. omgomgomgomg
3. kekekeke/hohohoho
4. blah blah blah Draco blah blah blah
5. GET TO DE CHOPPA

SEVEN BOOKS I LOVE
1. Harry Potter
2. Spilling Open
3. Can you keep a secret
4. How to Make Love like a Porn Star
5. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
6. siddhartha
7. Bridget Jones

SEVEN MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER
1. Harry Potter
2. Lord of the Rings
3. The Santa Clause
4. Hercules
5. Under the Tuscan Sun
6. Amelie
7. Moonchild >_> >_> >_>

SEVEN PEOPLE TO DO THIS NEXT
1. booksofmagic
2. neon_blue
3. soupial
4. waltzofthemoon
5. villainny
6. huntress1013
7. tinyxiney

Of Movement and Movies


It seems like I finally have the time to get caught up on everything fun! In the past two days I've already watched four movies thatI've wanted to see for a while now.

King Kong - 10/10 - I Laughed, I cried, I screamed, and I almost literally hid under my seat. I have not been to movies where people clap at the end, and at this one, the audience roared. The animation was dodgy at times, but still mind-blowing nonetheless. It was a wild ride, to be quite frank. I spent nearly the entire movie at the edge of my seat. The action/fighting scenes were OUTSTANDING and the connection between Kong and the girl was so believable it was practically palpable! ...if that makes any sense. And it sucks, because I knew how it would end.. but it just... was... wow.

( Incoherent Spoilers Here )

Velvet Goldmine - 8/10 - GUH. Ewan McGregor's penis! Christian Bale! and OMG OMG OMG Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. FUCK it was hot, and it was just amazing. I give it an 8 out of 10 though because if paperbinned wasn't beside me, I wouldn't have understood what was going on. But wow, the music was awsome, the costumes were awesome, and the boys were gorgeous. Such an interesting story, really.

paperbinned and I also go to attend a very incredible concert after the movie: The Really-This-Is-The-Last-Time Reunion Tour, with Tommy Stone on Vocals, Igor Karkaroff on Bass, Lucius Malfoy on the Harp, Robin Williams on Drums, George Harrison on the Kazoo, Ray Charles on the hand chimes, Rod Stewart on the Harmonica, Lord Voldemort on the Bells, and George bush as the backup dancer.

Mean Girls - 3/10 - Wow.. erm, I hated this movie. Everyone I've talked to really likes it... but I just. can't. stand it. going to highschool everyday for me was like going to hang out with 100+ of my closest friends. I mean, our grade was like an enigma, I guess. There were no cliques, no mean people, and everyone just generally liked eachother, granted some more than others, but we all got along just the same. And I'm not saying I didn't like this movie because I couldn't relate, I didn't like it because it was just so petty and stereotypical and is now going to influence young girls more than ever.

Yes, I know it was a kids movie, but it just breaks my heart to see that that is how people actually percieve highschool/LIFE to be! I hate to think of the impact this movie will have on the minds of kids who watch it, and the whole movie I would have rather been vomiting or gauging my eyeballs out of their sockets than watching that crap. ARGH.


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - 10/10 - Brilliance!!! I loved the colors, the songs, the backstory, and OMGTHEACTINGWASINCREDIBLE! Mr. Depp has blown away my mind once more and honestly, this movie will NOT SCAR KIDS FOR LIFE like the old one did. Seriously, it was dark, but it was subtle. It was still light-hearted and easy to understand. It conveyed the importance of family, which the old one didn't, and actually teaches every a thing or two about real values and the horrible, horrible aspects of obsession (what each of the kids represented). GOOD STUFF A++ WOULD BUY FROM AGAIN.



Phew! *exhales* And now I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want! I keep telling myself to stop procrastinating and go study, and then I remember that have no classes, no homework, and nothing to study. *feels wierd.*

Winter Break To-Do List:
Games:
Finish the .Hack// Series
Beat Xenosaga for christs sake
FF9

Movies:
Finding Neverland
The Chronicals of Narnia
Rent (???? maybe not)

Books:
Vamped
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe